Written by Oluwanifesimi Samuel on Monday, December 2, 2024

IS SOCIAL VIOLENCE A THING?

I've spent years trying to understand why I was bullied in secondary school. Sometimes the memories feel imagined, other days they're as clear as the rage I feel. Even though tears sometimes cloud my eyes and I get this lump in my throat, I can't help but feel angry.

I hated boarding school. I hated boarding schools before I ever went to one because of all the stories I'd hear, so you can imagine my lack of surprise when the hive mind kicked in and everyone thought the new girl was weird.

It only got worse trust me. I quickly noticed that the girl-to-boy ratio was about 1:3, for every class there would be about fifteen boys and maybe five girls.

Boys outnumbering girls in class wasn't new to me, because it was similar (though not as drastic) in the school I was coming from.

What irritated me first was how I got in massive trouble for doing the same things boys would do and they would go free with no repercussions whatsoever. Girls would ostracize and gossip about me, boys would verbally bully me and look for anything to body shame me with, and teachers would constantly pull me to the side to “try to get through to me” as if I were a nutcase.

Meanwhile, “the boys” could sing whatever songs they wanted, cuss words and all, flout the dress code, talk openly about sex and women's bodies, skip classes and no one could tell them anything…. It's not like I was badly behaved, I was just a loner who liked repeating rap lyrics for my favorite songs. I just wanted to be left alone.

I very quickly got branded a hoe, slut, ‘ashawo’ and the likes because I wasn't naive about sex. I came from a school that had taught us about puberty, sex education, consent and safety etc. But anything people don't understand, they tend to judge.

And boy was I judged. Disagreements are normal in high schools, but I can't even count the number of times someone would make up a lie that I said something “offensive” when I didn't, lie that I kissed someone when I didn't, gang up on me to verbally berate me, tell my secrets to everyone, read my journal.. even when I got angry, or frustrated, I was targeted for being angry or frustrated …

Things only got worse for me. I lost my dad at the end of SS1 and unfortunately, everyone was really in my business about it, when I honestly just wanted to be left alone to grieve. They still made jokes about my mental health and I was once told by a guy to “get over it because it's been like a year already.” I felt like the scum of the earth with them.

The worst part was when I was raped by my then-boyfriend who was in university at the time. Yes, it was statutory, I was 15 then. He had one friend I went to school with and guess who took it upon themselves to go tell everyone, including teachers, that “She's no longer a virgin, she has gone to spoil and she is a hoe,”

Ding ding ding, that one hateful friend of his.

My ex-boyfriend also used to physically abuse me, roofie my drinks and would coerce me into taking intimate pictures and videos. When I finally built up enough courage to break things off, of course, he posted them…. And of course, his friend made it his life's mission to bring the gist back to school.

To this day I wonder what anyone's business was with my personal life, and I wonder why such a tragic story was so entertaining for my ex-schoolmates. I was a grieving minor who was a victim of various forms of intimate partner violence but they heard it and laughed, and judged. I defended myself sometimes but at the end of the 3 years there, I wasn't really myself anymore. Took a horrible toll on my mental health and social skills.

I know I was abused by my ex, you don't have to tell me twice. But sometimes I wonder, if, in a way, my school environment abused me too….

I only stopped believing everything was deserved and my fault when I started going to therapy in 300 Level. Now I'm determined to build a safer world for teenage girls. A world where people actually help and not just ask about your pain to mock it.

With My Full Chest,

Oluwanifesimi Samuel.